


There's a Difference Between 'Have to' and 'Want to'

by neilperryreal (stimmedtavi)



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Arranged Marriage, M/M, Todd Anderson POV, anderperry, first anderperry fic i am posting !!, gay kids doin gay kid stuff, i am addicted to sword go swing boys go smooch so have this, i mean its not his fault hes gay, i swear the fic is good, many chapters... like 4..., okay sorry for loading up these tags, prince AU, slight cheating i guess? sort of?, yeah yeah yeah gay time gay time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:26:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28715715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stimmedtavi/pseuds/neilperryreal
Summary: “I don’t know if you’re like that, nor do I care. But understand that you’re only here because I have to marry your sister.” I state, venom in my words. He looks at me cockily, clearly unbothered by the things I’m saying. Then he has the audacity to mouth something at me.‘Defensive.’
Relationships: Todd Anderson & Neil Perry, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. You Remind Me of a Jester

Mother fixes my hair as we stand in the throne room, preparing for our guests to arrive. Today I am to meet my future bride, the one who will rejoin two kingdoms that once destroyed each other. Though my father and my fathers father and so on prided our kingdom on crushing our neighboring kingdom of Oberon, conflict has been rising in our area and it’s best to make alliances now before it’s too late. I was told to wear my best clothes today, that not even one crease should be shown on my jacket nor slacks. So here I stand in my stocky, navy blue jacket, the buttons decorating it shimmering golden as I step away from my mother. Her eyes meet mine, crows feet forming on her skin as she smiles at me. The sun streaming through the stained glass of the window surrounds her kindly, creating a halo-like glow on her. I’ve always loved my mother and confided in her. Understanding, respectful and kind, my mother is what I hope to be. I try not to be harsh but I was raised under the iron fist of my father, molded into a king rather than a person. It was stressful, which is why I confided in my mother so often, but one can only be so vulnerable in a furnace.  
She looks as if she’s going to speak to me, eyes unfocused, but right as she takes a breath the fanfare begins to play. Our guests have arrived at last. I step to my place beside my father as the Perry family walks into the throne room. King Perry leads the group, his Queen following and their children behind them. Though the Perry family’s eldest is their daughter, her barely younger brother towers above her. He seems relaxed as he follows his family in, not batting an eye as the captain of the guard introduces his family. Instead he stares at the stain glass that showers our throne room in colour, playfulness in his body as he taps his sister and points to the glass. The Princess clearly doesn’t approve of his behavior since she ignores him, seeming to be interested in what our fathers are talking about. My eyes linger on the Prince, I’m unsure if I’m judging him or if I’m curious about him. I can already see why his parents decided to give the kingdom to my family essentially, rather than watch their work go to waste at the hands of this fool, but I wonder if he has more to offer than near ditzy behaviour. 

“Todd please,” my Mother huffs beside me. I snap out of my trance and come back to reality, noticing Princess Perry has extended her hand to me. Still not really knowing what I am to do I take her hand and chivalrously press my lips to the back of her hand, making eye contact with her. I feel like I look foolish but this apparently works for some people. Her face goes pink and she smiles shyly, looking away from me as I link arms with her. As she leads me out of the courtroom and past her family the Prince’s eyes catch mine again. One of his brows is raised at me. I look away and continue to walk with my future wife, the one I will come to love.

“You get to ride these beauties all the time?” Princess Perry asks me as we ride through the forest surrounding the castle. I nod at her, looking at the sun through the trees ceiling.  
“So what’s your real name?” I ask her politely. She signals her horse to catch up to mine and replies “Claire. What’s yours?” as she looks at me. I tell her my name is Todd, but she can’t call me that in front of my father. She hums in response and we spend a few moments admiring the environment around us. Letting our horses lead the way seemed to work out, the trees eventually thinned out and we were led to a large flower field. Claire seems excited as she dismounts off her horse and is quick to pick some flowers. I dismount as well, but only to make sure her horse doesn’t get spooked by a forest animal and run off. She begins to ramble as she plucks flowers and puts them in her hair. I listen quietly to her thoughts. Claire and I are not the same type of person, and though it’s harsh, out of a group of people to choose from I probably wouldn’t have picked her. But she’s tolerable, it might work out.

We stayed at the flower field for too long. The sun is going down now and our parents may be getting worried. Claire follows close behind me, her horse galloping a little slower than my mare. I can hear the owls cooing as night begins to fall. Claire asks if we’ll get back before it’s dark and I assure her we will, I can see the stone walls of the palace a short distance ahead. She seems to calm down a bit after that, comforted that I seem to know what I’m doing. I never know what I’m doing, which is why we got so far from the premises in the first place, but I’m happy to know she thinks I know what I’m doing. 

After our horses are back in the stable safely we bid each other good night. Claire returns to the guest quarters and I return to mine. The lanterns in the hallway flicker light against the artwork we have hung on our walls. I make it to my room just in time to be stopped by my father. He seems a bit panicked as he approaches me.  
“Have you seen Prince Perry?” he asks me anxiously. I shake my head and ask him why. My father runs a hand through what little hair is left on his head and tells me that no one has seen the young Prince since after dinner this evening, then thanks me for the information even though I gave none. Father turns around in a hurry, heavy robes dragging behind him as he swiftly walks away. At the mention of dinner though, I feel my stomach growl. Claire and I missed dinner since we were away at the flower field. I sigh and walk down the hallway again, dead eyes of my relatives bearing into my body as I walk down the hallway. 

Unluckily, I can’t seem to catch a break today. In the dining hall stands Claire, sniffling into her hands. I walk over to her, concerned. “Ella what’s wrong? Has something upset you?” I ask gently, taking one of her hands away from her face and into my own. She cries out harder, not saying anything really, just a whimper, and throws herself into my chest. Claire’s body shakes as another cry is forced out of her and I hold her as she cries. “My brother, Todd it’s my brother he’s gone!” She finally explains. I probably should have realized that she would have been upset that her brother was missing from the moment I found out, I should have checked on her. How foolish could I be. I hum softly and hold her tighter to me, hoping to offer some sort of comfort. I’m unsure of how well this works, hugging isn’t really a thing I often do, but she seems to calm down a bit as she heaves into my shoulder. “Todd please, you have to find him. He could be injured or unconscious or God forbid dead!” She begs me. I pull away from her and hold her hands again. “I’ll find him, alright? There’s extra loaves of bread in the kitchen that I can grab for you. It isn’t good to go to bed on an empty stomach.” I say. She nods and follows me into the kitchen as I grab a loaf of bread and slice it for her, handing her a few pieces. Claire thanks me and says she’ll leave me be now. I bid her good night again, and take a slice of bread for myself. 

The forest is dark at night. It feels like I’m blind as I pick up my horse's speed to a gallop in this impossible darkness. The denseness of the forest brush only intensifies as I take what feels like a million turns. I nearly knock into a tree multiple times as I call out “Prince Perry!” pathetically. I did see a few of my family’s guards out on their horses as well, looking for him, but none have been successful as I’ve heard. That foolish Prince, I knew from the second he waltzed into the throne room he would be nothing but trouble. He’s too relaxed, clearly used to being able to get his way and have everyone love him all the same. But even through his charming ways that doesn’t mean he’s intelligent. You have to be some sort of idiot to go out at night into a forest. Whether it’s a pack of wolves or a bear you can never expect what you’ll encounter in a forest that’s pitch black. I wonder for a second if they even let him out of his chambers at home, he seems immature. Childlike. The sound of water running quickly draws me from my thoughts. I ride into that direction, hoping that maybe he’s ended up there. I ride there quickly, wanting this to be over with. 

“O Captain, my Captain!” I hear as I draw closer to the river. Is he reciting lines from a book? I knew he was a bit out there but I didn’t think he was completely out of it. I dismount my horse and lead it behind me, walking quietly toward the faceless voice. He continues his monologue, repeating words out of a book to himself. His figure finally comes into view and I watch as he dances around foolishly. He holds the book out toward the moon as he continues to speak, now in a different voice. Another character I suppose. This is the dorkiest single man show I’ve ever seen.  
“You look like my favorite jester.” I call out to him snarkily. He stops his movements and turns to me, arms wide open. “Anderson!” He calls back, excited to have a friend. I hope he doesn’t think I’m going to help him practice for his next production, theatre is not my forte.  
“What are you doing here? Everyone is looking for you and yet here you are performing your own play for the moon and the stars.” I chastise him, reaching out my hand to gesture at his pathetic act. He takes my hand in his and in a mocking way he kisses my hand the way I kissed Claire’s just this morning. Though I can barely see him under the moonlight I notice how his eyes flicker up to mine after he’s kissed my hand. 

“I don’t think I’ve introduced myself, how rude of me,” He begins, standing up and letting go of my hand. I feel mortified as he tilts his head at me and smiles, not even slightly ashamed that he just openly mocked me. “I’m Prince Perry as you probably already know, but most people just call me Neil.” he shamelessly continues. His gaze falters from my face and looks up to the moon as if it’s speaking to him. A hush blankets our conversation. Once again Neil’s eyes flicker to my face. Then his eyes flicker from my face all the way down me, then back up, as if he’s sizing me up to see if he could toss me like a spear. He looks at me cockily, as if he’s expecting me to say anything. “And you would be?” he asks. I roll my eyes at him and tell him to get moving if he doesn’t want to end up on the wrong side of my sword.


	2. Defensive

Breakfast goes worse than I thought it would. Neil’s parents don’t seem impressed that he was found off in the middle of nowhere on the first night as a guest in our kingdom, but Claire seems elated to have her brother back. As discussion between everyone seated at the table rises my mother begins to speak to Claire. I hope she’s planning a day with her so I don’t have to waste my day at the flower field again. My gaze scans the people around me, from my father at one end of the table to Claire’s at the other side. As I scan back towards my side of the table Neil’s eyes catch mine. He’s staring at me, or at least in my direction. I would assume he’s just lost in his own head, but when I raise my eyebrow at him to see if he’s in this dimension he smiles at me. Neil has high cheekbones, from what I’ve seen they’re always painted a light pink, and when he smiles his whole face lights up. His eyes turn back to his own mother as she begins speaking to him, asking him “What are you smiling at?” as his eyes flick back to mine. I avert my gaze, I have no need to engage with someone who plays tricks at the dining table.

Today Claire is accompanying my mother and her own on a ride to town. They’re taking the carriage into town, looking for a wedding dress for Claire maybe. Introduce the future Queen to the citizens. I, however, am not having a rest day. My father has asked me to help prepare for the wedding. Though I’m not doing much, just sitting in a chair and agreeing or disagreeing with ideas being thrown at me, I feel bored. Some could describe that as privileged or even bratty but I really have no interest in this at all. I could care less about a marriage I never agreed to nor wanted. Easier to rule a kingdom alone rather than with someone dragging you down. Another designer starts spitting an idea at me and I feel my eyes roll back into my head as he begins talking about what kind of floral arrangements I think Claire would prefer. I bite my tongue and pretend to listen to what this person is saying to me. “Lilies and roses look nice together, but chrysanthemums and tulips also go quite well with each other,” The designer drones on. He rambles on about the types of flowers and how the colours of each flower can represent different things. Unity, romance, kindness, eternity, luck and all other sorts of virtues all put trivially into colours of flowers for the sake of some foolish and skin deep ceremony. I feel my temper shortening by the second as another designer begins to argue with him over the meaning of purple flowers. Just as I sigh for what feels like the 8th time in the last five minutes the door opens crudely and a “Hey!” comes through it before the person does.   
Neil pokes his head through first, goofy smile playing on his face. Why is he always smiling? Is my constant suffering in this premarital hell funny to him? Thankfully his smile drops as he notices the silence in the room. I assume he didn’t expect there to be so many people in this room with me. “Yes?” I respond to his ‘Hey!, a dull tone in my voice. His hand motions for me to come closer, follow him, and though I dislike him, anything is better than these designers bickering. I get out of my chair and excuse myself, begrudgingly following Prince Perry.

“I’m actually surprised you followed me out here,” Neil says. I hum in response, I too am surprised I followed him out here. “Anything to get out of talking about all that wedding stuff,” I say grumpily. He laughs as he leads me outside. The sweet aroma of flowers fills my nose as Neil leads me into the back gardens of the palace. As we cross into the middle of the gardens he begins to look around, trying to see if anyone else is near us. I also notice that his hand grips the satchel he’s wearing a little closer to him.   
“What’s in your bag?” I ask cautiously, hoping he hasn’t brought some sort of animal to show me. He checks behind his shoulder again and then opens his satchel, retrieving a small box. Neil’s eyes meet mine as he smiles deviously, opening the box. Inside of the box are small chocolates, each shaped as a simple square, but some have sea salt sprinkled on top. “I bought them when I snuck into town today! Don’t they look delicious?” He says, reaching into the box to retrieve one. I smile at him a little confusedly. “Have you never had chocolates before?” I ask incredulously. He’s a Prince after all, why wouldn’t he have had chocolate by now? Neil looks surprised at my response, shaking his head. “We don’t exactly have luxuries in Oberon like you do here, Mr. Luxury,” he jokes in response. I suddenly feel guilty, maybe I should have realized that war doesn’t just cause loss of life, but also luxuries as well. Grandfather and my father used to joke about how poor Oberon is, call them names and things like that. I thought they were joking. I was naive. 

“My God this is incredible!” Neil cries through a mouthful of chocolate. I laugh and his eyes meet mine, giddiness clearly in them. He swallows his chocolate and quickly picks up another. “I have a stash of chocolate in my room you know, we could hang out up there if you’d like,” I offer. I like chocolate a lot and whenever I go to town I buy a box of it. Not very often am I allowed to go to town so I decided to start saving some for the weeks I can’t go there. Chocolate doesn’t go bad for a very long time so.. it seemed smart to keep it in my room rather than somewhere my mother or father could find and eat it. Neil looks at me in disbelief, clearly surprised that in one day I didn’t just follow him somewhere but I also invited him to my room. I smile a little sheepishly, trying to ignore how much Neil seems to admire me, and walk back towards the palace.

As I begin to put boxes of chocolate on my desk I think Neil’s eyes nearly bust out of their sockets. I don’t have nearly as many as I used to, only 4 or 5 boxes now, but to Neil this must seem like a dream come true. “Good Heavens Anderson! What are you, a squirrel?” He exclaims excitedly. I ignore his comment and open a box of chocolates, handing it to him.  
“Eat up now. Don’t want my favorite jester to starve.”

~~~

It must almost be midnight now. Neil and I missed lunch but we managed to catch dinner. Claire was not present though, my father said that she and my mother would be staying in the hotel for the night. I guess they must not be done dress shopping. Whatever the case, Neil and I managed to sneak back to my room. He’s eaten 2 boxes of chocolates today, and sitting across from me now it seems like he’s about to finish a third.  
“How do you not eat all of these at once? They’re delicious!” he asks me curiously, closing the box. I smile at him and tell him that eating too much of them can give you an awful stomach ache. He only frowns in response, clearly not feeling the consequences of his actions yet. 

“So you really love my sister huh,” Neil asks me while I lay in bed. I’m exhausted honestly, it’s been a lot of talking today and I’m tired. For whatever reason though, I don’t feel the need to kick Neil out quite yet. He does a lot of the talking whether I respond or not. I reply with an ‘Mhm’ as my eyes close. I’m not sure why he’s asking such a thing, or why I answered like that. I can’t fall in love with someone in a day, it’s impossible for that to even happen. I feel my eyes relaxing now, threatening unconsciousness. I’m sure Neil wouldn’t mind if I fell asleep, or maybe he wouldn’t even notice. Just as I’m about to fall into dreamland the feeling of sanded wood beneath my chin jolts me awake.  
“Ye best take care of ‘er then!” Neil says, a devilish grin playing on his face. I sigh and use my foot to kick the wooden sword out of his hand. “Where did you even find that? Did you go through my drawers?” I ask as the fake sword clatters to the ground. He shrugs nonchalantly and picks his sword back up. Clearly he doesn’t care much about my privacy. Then, he hands me a wooden sword. A challenge.

“That’s cheating!” he cries as I knock the sword out of his hand yet again. He scrambles to pick it up but I use my sword to slide it across the floor and under my bed. Neil cries out “Hey!” and collapses to the floor in effort to pick it up. I laugh at him as his arms struggle to reach the sword. “Surrender yourself, fool. For a jester like you could never beat a Prince!” I say dorkishly. He laughs and gets up, throwing his hands in the air. Fake pleas crawl from his chest as I push my sword to his chest, forcing him to walk backwards. I’m not sure what he says that makes me laugh but when I do he laughs too. Our eyes meet in an awkward moment and I think to myself ‘He looks pretty when he laughs,'' in a fleeting moment. My ears turn red after that thought, I feel humiliated for even thinking that. His brow raises as I lower my sword and rub my face, hoping that he just thinks that the redness is from when I rubbed my face, but he realizes.  
“What’s with the blush, Prince Anderson? Am I too charming?” He teases. A hot flash of more embarrassment and then anger courses through my body and quickly my sword is pressed back up against his chest, pushing a little harder now. Neil throws his hands back into the air and looks down to where the tip of my wooden sword presses. I push him forward again.  
“You shouldn’t joke like that. I’m not like that.” I say. His eyebrow raises again in that stupid way that he looks at me. Now I have him up to the edge of my bed, his knees bending backwards. I could push him now but I continue on.  
“I don’t know if you’re like that, nor do I care. But understand that you’re only here because I have to marry your sister.” I state, venom in my words. He looks at me cockily, clearly unbothered by the things I’m saying. Then he has the audacity to mouth something at me.

‘Defensive.’

And he smiles after it too. Humiliation once again makes an appearance on my face and in a flurry of anger and embarrassment I push into his chest with my sword to knock him off balance. He’s too quick though, and though his arms were too short to grab his weapon back from under my bed, they’re long enough for him to grab the collar of my shirt and pull me down onto him as he falls. 

His face is close to mine now, too close I would say. And he’s still smiling too. I look away from him, instead looking at the pattern on my covers. In my peripheral vision I can see his smile fade, his face turning from cockiness to somewhat sympathetic.   
“There’s a difference between ‘have to’ and ‘want’,” He tells me. I climb off of the bed, face still humiliation red, and he sits up. He looks at me, that stupid pitying look still in his eyes.  
“I think you should go back to your room now,” I tell him. He nods silently and grabs his satchel off the floor. 

After Neil leaves though, the air in my room feels heavy again. I try to ignore it.


	3. Cupid's Arrow

The sound of the symphony swoons around me as I stand in the ballroom of the palace. They’re only rehearsing now. Later tonight is the ball. Apparently Claire had asked mother if we held them here, and in my mother’s way, she had rushed to set up a last minute ball. I dislike ballroom dancing, and I dislike parties even more. The stocky clothing I always end up having to wear and the girls that try to lure me to them. I’m disinterested in such a shallow thing, the only reason I even attend them is for the live music. That’s why I’m sitting through the symphony’s soundcheck right now, I’m trying to clear my head. It was last night that Neil pulled me onto the bed with him, where he told me something that shouldn’t cloud my vision of the future the way it did. Even as I was getting angry with him he still looked me in the eyes, determination and sympathy present in them. I felt crazy for thinking those things then, but now it makes sense. He is charming. And he always looks good. I shouldn’t feel this way, but it would be foolish to not admit the things I think. Though with that comes the flaw that nothing will ever come out of this, I’ll hope I forget it and move on. Ignorance is bliss, though it comes with the price of a heavy heart. Strings drown my thoughts out though, long, droning harmonies catching my attention. I always wanted to pursue music further but my father refused it. I need a one track mind to be a king, I guess that’s why having someone so different is forcing my hand to try to choke it out. I’m not used to this, he makes me feel like it’s okay to say anything. I’ve walked on eggshells my entire life but when I’m with Neil I just float above it, though I’m strangely aware of my fate in this kingdom still. I wish I could pause time when I’m with him, so the feeling could last longer. But me and Neil’s time is limited, there is only so much time to rest. That only gives me more reason to swallow the butterflies in my stomach, there is no space for lovers in a world directed by fate. I feel my eyes focus and unfocus on the floor, then they brim with tears. I hate this feeling, I hate that my brain thinks I’m missing something. I’m not missing anything, I’ll never miss him.

~~~

The night crawls to me sooner than I expected it to. I wandered to my bedroom at some point after the symphony was done rehearsing and I fell asleep. I don’t know how long I slept really, one of the maids woke me up at some point with freshly pressed clothes and now I’m here. The symphony is louder than it was earlier and it feels like the lights are too bright. I’m anxious. There are too many people in here for me to be comfortable. Hot air fills my lungs and there it stays, suffocating me with the feeling of eyes watching me. I take a glass of sparkling something and make my way to the stairs. My family doesn’t often throw Balls but in the times we have I’ve found a place away from it all. The red carpet of the stairs is plush beneath my shoes and a few people wave at me as they go down the stairs. I pray that they’ve just come from the bathrooms and not from the balcony I’m headed to. I take a look behind me before I duck out into the cool night air. 

The stars are beautiful tonight and it seems to be fairly clear, only a few clouds in the sky. I can still hear the faint melody of the symphony from far below, but other than that the noises of partygoers has been drowned out completely. I breathe out, feeling less pressure on my chest. I can see a few flickering lights in the distance, some of the townspeople must still be awake. I sip from the glass I took earlier and make a face. That’s probably the worst tasting thing I’ve had in awhile. I decide to leave it on the ground beside me.   
“Nice face,” Neil calls. I feel my chest tighten again. ‘How did he even find me up here?’ I wonder as I huff and turn around to face him. I look at him and he gives me a half smile, probably unsure how to act around me after last night. He walks over beside me, looking off into the distance. I look with him and suddenly I’m unsure of if this night just got bad again or if it got better. 

“I’m sorry about what I said last night, it isn’t my business to ask you questions about Claire.” Neil says. I don’t reply, unsure on what I’m to say to that. He looks down, eyes turning from the faint lights in the distance to the ground below the balcony. “I won’t joke like that anymore,” He continues on. I feel my heart spark up at that, jumping up to me and telling me to refuse, to egg him on and let him say those things and allow him to make me float away from all of this. I try to ignore it but he’s right there, he’s open and apologizing to me. He stops speaking after that though, his words feeling odd. The way he was speaking sounded like he had more to say but he just stopped. Something in me wants him to continue, to tell me that he won’t speak to me anymore or just anything like that. Something that will kill this feeling inside of me, words that will crush these butterflies so I can go back to when it was easier. This is too complicated now, I caught feelings and now it’s all too much. I don’t want to live like this, but I still don’t want to live without this. He mutters something about how he needs to get back to the party and yet again I’m left alone, without him. The air is heavy again.

I spend the rest of my night up on the balcony. Hot air filling my lungs as I hold back tears. What could I have said? I don’t think there’s anything I could say to him then without it being too much, maybe it was better I just said nothing at all. The air is heavy and I can’t escape it, my heart feels near dead in my chest. I think about Claire down there, alone at her own party, but I don’t care. While she’s off dancing her night away what’s supposed to be her husband is up here choking down butterflies and tears because he’s in love with a boy, he’s sickly in love with a boy. Shot down by Cupid's arrow I bleed on this balcony, suffering. I lay here suffering with the knowledge that I can inhale this heavy air for the rest of my pathetic life, but I will never truly miss him because I will never truly have him. He is beautiful, charming, kind and he’s just out of this world. He’s astronomical in every way, and though he’s flawed and cocky it just lures me in deeper. I’m in too deep now, there’s nothing I can say. I felt so sure of my life here, a tree with roots sunk in the soil, but here he’s uprooted me. He’s uprooted my very being and though I want to deny it it’s too late. But even if he’s dug me up and laid me out to bleed, how am I to know if he’s bleeding too? I might never know, and maybe I fear that I’ll spend the rest of my life that way.   
“Hello? Earth to Anderson!” Neil says loudly, waving his hand in front of my face. I jolt from my thoughts and he looks at me surprisedly, a small smile playing on his lips as he realizes he scared me. I look at him and I feel myself smile too. He came back. For once I let myself think with my heart rather than my mind. There is no time for tomorrow or the next day, and I can’t wait forever. I step closer to him and I wrap my arms around him. He goes rigid at first, and it’s really awkward. I fear I’ve stepped too far but instead of him backing away he hugs me back, holding me tight to him. My body fits into his perfectly, like he was built to hold me this way and I was built to be held by him. His arms squeeze me tighter and then he releases me completely. He smiles a little shyly, his usually pink stained cheeks are bright red now. Neil’s eyes won’t meet mine and I feel my heart slam in my chest. After all the embarrassment he’s put me through I finally got him to blush the way he made me blush. His gaze falls back to me and he asks if this means he’s forgiven. I roll my eyes at him playfully and poke him in the chest.  
“Hey!” he cries out as he fakely falls backwards, waving his arms in big windmills as he bends over near backwards. “Woahh! I think I’m falling, you should come catch me!” Neil jokes. This wasn’t a confession with words but I don’t think I’d be able to get the right ones out anyways. Nothing can explain the way I feel about him properly. 

~~~

Somehow Neil and I find ourselves back in my room. His hand slipped into mine while we walked through the hallways up to my room, he wanted to ask me about a painting but I wasn’t paying attention. I would say that’s the only reason we’re holding hands but there was no reason for us to continue on. The party has mostly toned down now but there’s still guests on the premises. After Neil and I got up to my room the rain started, I guess the clear skies weren’t as clear as I thought. He and I sit on the edge of my bed now, chatting back and forth easily. I could say anything about anything and he’d have something to reply with, and I could mirror the same with him. I never believed in soulmates until now. 

I rest my head on his shoulder, our hands still entwined between us and yawn. He rests his head on top of mine and brings my hand up to his face, kissing the top of my hand just like the first time we really met. I think back to that night, how he was reciting poetry to the moon and how I called him a jester. I smile at that, I never would have known then that I would have ended up here. Similarly to that night, Neil asks me again what my name is. His voice is hushed, speaking as if he doesn’t want to wake me up in case I’m asleep. I look through the window, listening to the static noise of the downpour outside and tell him my name is Todd. I feel his hand squeeze mine and he says “I already knew that. I’ve only been bothering you about it because it would feel weird to say ‘I love you, Todd’ without you telling me your name first.” And I feel my heart jump again. He loves me. It feels like this is moving too fast already but then again there’s no time to wait now. I lift my head up off his shoulder and kiss him on the cheek, watching as he goes a tinge red in the light of my room again.  
“I love you too Neil.”


	4. If I'm a Jester, I'll Pull Out All My Tricks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u 4 reading :D

I wake to the warmth of sunlight and another person in my bed. Neil’s hand plays with my hair as I lay on him, sort of crushing him. He’s humming to himself and this moment would be enjoyable if the sun wasn’t blasting into my eyes. To try and shield myself I turn my face into his chest, trying to hide away from the brightness.   
“Ah, you’ve decided to come back to life!” Neil teases as I groan frustratedly in response. “Last night you passed out on me like a dead body, there wasn’t even a warning! He continues. I smile a bit as I feel his hand rub my back soothingly. “I don’t want to get up today,” I complain to him. Neil stretches upward with his arms and shakes his head. He tells me that we ‘have to’ and I roll my eyes at that, pulling him closer to me. “There’s a difference between ‘have to’ and ‘want to’ I taunt him with his own words. Neil lets out a puff of breath and sits up, pushing me off of him in the process. “We have to get up silly. It’s either getting out of bed now or letting one of our parents find us,” He tells me. I shudder at the thought of my father seeing me like this, in bed with a boy. Even worse, Claire could come wandering up here, and that’s bad enough on it’s own. Reluctantly, I get out of bed. 

As we walk down the stairs to the dining hall to catch hopefully the last remainders of breakfast we overhear an argument. My fathers angered voice rings loudly through the halls of the palace, I know that tone all too well. Father cries out something about how this is “Ludicrous” and that Neil’s father must be “Insane” for thinking whatever he thinks. I look at Neil concerned and for once his face is unreadable. His jaw is tightened and a steely gaze is set to where the voices are coming from. I can’t tell if he’s angry or embarrassed. Taking a seat on the stairs so we can listen seems like an alright idea, no point in interrupting something we’ll only get caught up in. I pat the spot beside me, but Neil doesn’t sit beside me. I’m worried now, it’s like something’s caught him off guard and his bright happy ways have been broken. I reach up my hand to hold his and squeeze it. His chest puffs up and then he breathes out, sitting down beside me finally. He’s no longer looking that way but he won’t look at me.   
“Neil I’m sure it’s going to be okay,” I say to him calmly, but really who am I kidding. We were on limited time anyways, now I doubt that we’ll even get the rest of that limited time. After this I may never see him again. Neil suddenly gets up, ignoring my comment. He begins to go up the stairs, it seems he’s set his mind on something.  
“Well, are you coming?” He asks. I nod quickly and begin to follow him up the stairs.

“What are you doing?” I ask Neil as he tears through his desk drawers. He led me back to his room on the other side of the palace. It barely seems like the guest chambers at this point because he’s really made this room his own. Books are piled up on the desk and floors, pens and paper are scattered all over and his bed has a box of opened chocolates on it. He mumbles something I can’t understand and then yells out happily as he holds up a map.   
“I guess I should tell you my plan first,” He says. Neil goes on to explain that he’s going to draw on the map he has how to get to Oberon and gives me instructions on how to either sneak onto the palace grounds once there, or how to trick the guards into letting me in. I shift a bit uncomfortably where I stand, I’m not prepared to leave everything I know behind, especially not for what now must be an enemy kingdom again. I’m fairly sure I could be executed for treason of the kingdom that way. 

“I’m not done yet though!! We won’t stay in Oberon,” he continues. Neil quickly explains that he found an old abandoned cottage in the forest a little ways away from Oberon, close enough to sneak into town for things but far away enough that we won’t be found. I nod calmly and Neil hands me the map with the instructions written on the side. He notices my discomfort with the sudden ‘pick up and leave’ plan. Neil holds the hand that isn’t holding the map in his, trying to offer some sort of comfort.   
“You don’t have to follow this plan, we can end what we have today. But know that I will wait for you, or at least someone like you. The things I experience when I’m around you make me feel like love is real, like maybe it’s not something that must be arranged. You’ve taught me that a life spent reciting lines to the moon isn’t worth it. Maybe I’m moving too fast, but life is short anyways. Todd I want to spend my life with you. I want to recite poetry to you, and spend my life with you too. Will you be my moon?” Neil nearly begs. Tears cling to his eyes as he holds my hand in his. My heart chokes again and I nod. I say yes to leaving it all behind, but this doesn’t feel like a mistake. Neil smiles, clearly happy I said yes. I smile at him and he throws his arms around me, squeezing me as tight to him as he can without snapping my ribs.   
“We should probably go downstairs now so they can break us the news,” I say, though Neil’s tight grip makes it difficult to breathe. Just as suddenly as he squeezed me he lets go and I can breathe easy again. As I go to back away from him to straighten my shirt out though, his hand that was resting on my back stiffens and pushes me toward him. In one movement he had quickly put his lips to mine, our noses bumping awkwardly. It only lasts a second but my heart jumps in my chest. He pulls away first, eyes not meeting mine but then crossing back to my eyes. “I didn’t want to say goodbye without doing that,” he explains, face red as ever. My cheeks are burning right now. I just kissed a boy. I just got kissed by a boy technically, but he loves me and I love him. I feel like I’m dreaming.

~~~

“Ah, my son, just who I needed to see right now! Please come with me,” My father says, a fake playful tone playing in his words. I look at Neil but he isn’t looking at me, his father seems to be motioning for him to go to him. His footsteps echo as his shoes hit the marble floor of the dining hall where our fathers were arguing. We part ways then, but I swear it won’t be the last time I see him. I’ll catch him before he goes.

Father walks with me in the back gardens, hands folded behind his back. He looks so strong, even when surrounded by delicate flowers. I hope I can be strong too.   
“Claire and her family will be leaving soon. She seems to have complained about our kingdom endlessly, though I know you tried your hardest.” He explains to me, turning on his heel heavily to face me. I’m reminded of how I’m still shorter than him by a fair bit as he towers over me, looming like a deadly dragon. He’s lying through his teeth, refusing to take the blame for failure, and I know it. Father’s always played this trick, but instead of like when I was a kid when I would kick and scream, I nod like an obedient son. He gives me a faux sympathetic look and puts his hand on my shoulder. I look up at him, noticing how much older he’s been getting. His wrinkles were not brought from a life of luxury and time like my mother’s were, his wrinkles were brought on by stress and the fatigue of holding up a character for his entire reign. I am not destined to end up like that, I cannot allow myself to not take this risk.   
“Can I go say goodbye to her?” I ask. If he wants to play in a theatre of lies I’ll fill my role. The show must go on after all, I have to pretend to be a king when I really yearn to be free. Father allows me to, and I rush to the stables where the Perry family is preparing to leave. 

~~~

“Oh Todd!” Claire cries out, jumping from her carriage to the ground. I shudder as she walks toward me. “Todd I’m so sorry this is happening to us, I hope you can understand this isn’t my choice. I would have much rather spent forever with you, ruling our beautiful kingdom and living life to the fullest!” She explains quickly. I hum and Claire’s mother calls out for her, her head turning. “I’ve got to go but I’ll see you in another life, I know it!” She says, ecstatically. Claire truly seems to believe that she and I are soulmates. It must be a shame to be such a fool. As their carriage takes off, taking off into the west, I peek around into the other one. No one seems to be inside of it except a few bags. I sigh, leaning back right into a body. I yelp out and trip on my own feet, falling even further back into the person.   
“Geez, I might be a jester but at least I’m not a klutz!” Neil teases, helping me get back upright. I laugh gently and face him, my hand habitually reaching out to grab his. His eyes widen and he puts his hand in his pocket, mouthing ‘Soon’ at me as a reminder. It won’t be long until I see Neil again, I plan to leave the kingdom very quickly after he leaves, but it still aches. He begins to say something but is cut off by his father who pushes us out of the way and makes his way into the carriage. Neil’s father huffs angrily and glares at me, then looks to Neil, gruffly telling him to get in. I look at him as he steps in, his jaw is set tightly again as he sits across from his father. But when his eyes meet mine, he looks soft again. If I am his moon then he is my sun, because everything seems to glow a little brighter around him. As his father yells at the coachman to get a move on I share one last look with Neil. I can’t say what I wish I could to him, but I hope he somehow gets the message. A silent I love you is where we will leave for now, but I won’t have to be silent about it for long, because he and I are going somewhere where we can love. Somewhere where freedom is not just a fantasy, nor is true love. We’ll have a happy ending.

~~~

The air in my room feels heavy again as I attempt to sleep, tossing and turning. My head is filled with thoughts of him and how he lay next to me just the night before. But now he’s gone. I’ll see him again, that I know, but it still feels like he’s too far. As I turn over again my cheek hits something hard beneath my pillow. Rubbing my sore cheek I lift up my pillow and find a book. I can only guess that Neil placed this here, but why? I get out of bed and walk to my desk, striking a match and lighting a candle. In the yellow light of the flame I can read out the words “Oh captain, my captain” and I smile. He left behind the book he was reading when we first ‘formally’ met as he had called it. I notice that the page after it has something sticking out of it, a scrap of paper. I turn to that page and within it pressed flowers fall out onto my desk. Apart from the flowers, the scrap of paper has something written on it.

Tonight he called me a jester,  
I’m thrilled I could make him laugh  
And though we only met today  
I want to ask him  
‘Do you believe in love at first sight?  
And if so, have you ever looked into my eyes?’  
But I’m just hopeless,   
Always been a melting pot of emotions  
This sweet isn’t meant for me,  
That’s the one that’s forbidden  
It’s wrong, I should be ashamed  
But he feels so right, so I’m going to chase what I want  
If I’m a jester then I’ll pull out all my tricks  
Just for him.

He’s written a poem. He’s written about me and he’s left it here for me to read. If I wasn’t confident I had to see him again before then this would have completely convinced me. My heart bursts again, and I wonder for a second if that’s just how it beats when I think about him, when I’m with him. Even if I decided to never run away for him I wouldn’t have forgotten him. Soulmates don’t forget one another, maybe Claire was right about that. There isn’t a soul like Neil’s and I’d search for him endlessly in the fields of Asphodel if it meant being with him again. For once, for the first time, I feel free. These palace walls no longer define me, I am not trapped here, and there’s a driving force for me to run for once. Neil started this chase, so I need to start running too.

**Author's Note:**

> follow my tumblr https://neilperryreal.tumblr.com/ :D


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